5boro in search of the ultimate ham sandwich
By Tombo Colabraro Photos: Deeli
High School is one big blur to me. Sure I sat there for 8 hours everyday, read the chapters, did the homework, passed the tests and graduated like everyone else but I really couldn't tell you one thing I learned in my 4 year bid. Not sure if its that they give every asshole in New Jersey a teachers degree and send them out to teach the youth or what. Maybe its because all the girls just started growing boobs and all that back then which made it hard for me to focus in World History? Or it could be that I have major ADD and all I did was listen to Wu Tang on my shitty Casio Discman all day while I was supposed to be taking notes. Who knows?
So a few months ago when I started working with a distributor to try to get the 5boro crew to Portugal I had no idea what to expect. I racked my brain to find any knowledge I had about Portugal. All I could think about was that sketchy Portuguese BBQ spot down the street from my old apartment that I always meant to go to but then it got closed down for health violations. Psyched I dodged that bullet. Then I remembered my bros Rodrigo Peterson and Danny Cerizini both speak Portuguese but wait, they are Brazilian, so that’s no help there. I decided to call 5boro's big bossman, Steve Rodriguez (who is actually part Portuguese and has a hell of a handshake) and he had nothing for me. He was in the middle of chowing down on a few slices of Joe’s Pizza on Bleeker Street so I didn’t want to bother the man while he was handling some biz.
The first thing anyone thinks about when waiting at the baggage claim is “what if my bag doesn’t come out of that hole that all the other bags are pouring out of?" “What will I do?" I dunno, but the crew and I could think of a couple things to keep us occupied. A little part of all of us sometimes hopes that just the boards will end up missing at our destination. Hey I love skating as much as the next guy but lets spice it up for a change. We skate on every trip right? What if they just sent us to other countries to get drunk and pile out for weeks at a time? Now were talking. Maybe we should start to book the flights with more layovers so there is a better chance of our shit getting lost? We might be onto something here.
Sure enough when I saw those 7ply planks appear on that conveyer belt our champagne wishes and caviar dreams that our boy Kool G. Rap speaks so highly of were instantly crushed. Maybe next time. Actually, the airline did loose Deeli’s camera bag for the first few days while the crew was shaking off that jetlag which really didn’t make much of a difference on our productivity. Oh yeah, he did miss a 39 stair kinked handrail session we had right off the plane where every trick in the book went down including some that weren’t in Fully Flared. Did I mention the footage glitched too? Yeah the whole tape. Too bad, looks like you are going to have to take my word for it.
Americans are fat slobs huh? As Americans its something we don’t really notice until we travel overseas. In the US we are totally surrounded by McDonald’s inhaling obesity 24 hours a day and it all seems normal. But the minute you step off that plane in a foreign land and look at the local population you get the instant reminder. I guess fried chicken and beer isn’t on the breakfast menu here like it is back in old NYC. Joe Took came up with game called “Count the Fat People" where you…uhhh…Count the fat people and whoever has the most at the end of the trip gets a beer from each member of the crew. Instant Classic. It’s about as equally rewarding, as it is cruel and its good fun for you and the whole family. Kind of a wake up call when Joe counts you as one of his 3 fat people he sees in 2 weeks. Might be time to retire that spoon and hop on the closest treadmill.
Hang up the spoon? Treadmill? What am I talking about? This is probably the best time to introduce you to 5boro’s elite eating crew F.O.B. What does F.O.B. stand for you might ask? That’s Food Over Bitches. Wherever, Whenever, no matter what the situation is, Food takes number one priority over everything. Say that girl you have been stalking for months finally cancels that restraining order against you and wants to hang out but your bros are on the way to the local china buffet for a session. When you wake up in bed alone with General Tso’s chicken smeared all over your face you know you made the right decision.
So taking that into consideration the food portions in Portugal were no match for FOB. One entrée per person just wasn’t cutting it as the crew piled multiple meals each down the hatch and straight into a food coma. Deeli would order his cute salad, or vegetable plate while we would order every animal on the menu. We may be laughing now but its Deeli who’s gonna be the one laughing when in 10 years we are all diagnosed with heart problems and he’s running marathons with a clean bill of health. Regardless of our obvious future the crew really ate up a storm and represented FOB to the fullest out there. The only part of the meal that wasn’t fun was when the check came around it was time to pay the piper. I guess when the American dollar is worth less than Robert Lim’s autograph you’re in trouble. Thanks Bush.
Now there is a ton of more stuff I’d love to write about but I just reached the 1300 word mark and its time to call it quits. I just went back and read what I wrote so far and I fell asleep twice. So pretty much I’m doing you a favor by ending it here. I honestly doubt anyone in their right mind would read this far anyway. You guys don’t really read the articles right? I sure know I don’t. I can’t even read captions without daydreaming about tacos or 22oz bottles of Becks. Anyway the whole crew is down the street at the bar and its time to head over there and kill some brain cells while I still got 'em. Gotta wake up early tomorrow and vote for Obama. Hope that dude wins.
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