092411 2a

Skateboarders have gone from social outcast to viable marketing segment.

Fashion houses have jumped at the chance to include us in their world, featuring boards in ads and pros in their high end clips. They hope it will give them credibility, however their attempts are so misguided the end result is often hilarious. From back to front trucks, studded skateboards and the ever cringe inducing Nyjah, these choice fashion efforts will make sure you buy a Prada suit before venturing down the B&Q carpark curbs.

Lizard King (real name Mike Plumb) has lent his unquestionable fashion sense to the brand The Kooples. If you don’t know what The Kooples is, it’s a company that will sell you a plain pair of jeans your dad might wear for £125. The horrific thing here besides the hammer at 00:26 is the Plumbster talking about how he wore this poor woman down over Instagram, until she decided to go out with him. Also this video is about a girl he has been going out with for 3 months. I’ve had boards longer than 3 months, the Kooples aren’t putting a ridiculous leather jacket on me and making me ponce around an abandoned industrial estate.

This clip represents New York skateboarding at its rawest, albeit filmed on the New York set of the Paramount studios, and featuring no New York skaters. It does have some winning components, namely, a marketable member of team handsome who has a questionable attitude towards t-shirt necklines, Duran Duran and Josh Harmony doing a “mosher drop in" in a silk half dressing gown that shows his chest.

The makers of the video have made a fatal error, the video features semi naked female models, meaning no one cares about the skateboarding. I had to watch about 3 times before I noticed Josh Harmony struggling to 180 off a curb. The comments on this video also take it the next level, ToddAnthony.org writes: “Great choice for skaters (as skaters embody human dance and style) and great to see them in slow motion because today one only sees them fast in video". This proves once and for all no one outside of skateboarding can understand it.

tougherthanleather-4
tougherthanleather-4

In an attempt to garner some edgy points ‘Gentleman’s Quarterly’ has really connected to skaters by picking the three things that couldn’t be further from skateboarding: Suits, skateparks and Nyjah Huston. After viewing this video, you’ll be left wondering what GQ wants you to do? The clip wanders aimlessly between shitty trick tip and fashion show for clothes no skateboarder would ever wear. GQ also fails to realise that using Nyjah they are also saying his fashion sense is so hot right now

lacoste1

We let this one happen to ourselves. By turning a blind eye to Penny boards, or namely a select few who carried them around. Lacoste saw our slack attitude and realised they could make some quick cash by creating an accessory for girls from gated communities with father issues. Providing them with an excuse to go to Southbank and take photos for their “Degree show about using urban space creatively". However they fail to realise all these girls will ever do is give you an over the pants hand job then dark you on Facebook messenger, ultimately returning to trying to get off with Oxbridge morons in Wetherspoons.

Lacoste also see this an opportunity to depict a canvas shoe that will fall apart after 30 mins skateboarding.

Marc Jacobs does a lot of confusing things but this is up there on the odd chart. They combine a skater called Tristen Maldonado, who is actually pretty decent; with two people who have never touched a skateboard before (note the trucks on the wrong way in the opening scene). The deck is designed to look like a piece of tattooed skin with a red bottom ply, when you skate it the red becomes exposed and it looks like the skin is cut, SO HARDCORE. Our boy Marc doesn’t realise however that the person buying this board doesn’t even know what trucks are let alone that the video shows them on backwards.

e5ed75473d4bd983979c6d5619616a12-654f1205b610f6584a9e891afcb57002
e5ed75473d4bd983979c6d5619616a12-654f1205b610f6584a9e891afcb57002

The rapid speed at which Scott’s line was abandoned begs the question, is Fos going to pull this board of the board wall?

article-1316009036111-0DE3ADD000000578-190811_466x349

Saving South Bank was a big deal. The debate raged on the Guardian comments section, and everyone came out of the woodwork to align themselves with the campaign.

Not one to ignore the popular zeitgeist TopMan have stepped forward to tell everyone this is what SBs skaters are dressing like, and hope you want the look.

Taking on the trendy challenge has blown up in TopMan’s face before. However the main mistake in creating this line of floral and acid washed nonsense was they don’t seem to have taken a trip to Southbank at all.

You can guarantee the design team’s mood board featured zero images of Femi or Karim; they have instead Googled “trendy uk Sk8bOaRdEr" found an image of Tom Harrison and gone straight into production.

katie-eary-ss13-1-540x395

http://recognisethemovement.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/katie-eary-ss13-1-540x395.jpgUp and coming designers want to appear “with it" and connected with the kids on the street. So what better way to show that than with your run way models carrying skateboards? Although that is somewhat ridiculous this young designer has decided to sell these boards, she’s selling these boards for £270. I’m claiming that this is a hot new company to rival Alex Olson’s Bianca Chandon. Apparently Miss Eary is planning on releasing a 90s inspired edit on a llaserdisc. Recently free agent Dylan Reider is on the team, mainly because the board matches his recent clothing sponsor.

dkny-behind-the-scenes-0002

http://www.thefashionisto.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/dkny-behind-the-scenes-0002.jpgIt would be impossible to go through this list without the mention of Dylan Reider. Dylan kills it on the fashion front, and DKNY have harnessed this by sitting him on a cab with a rapper and two skate Bettys. Reider is now as famous for being ridiculously good looking as he is for skateboarding. There is no doubt he has a panty dropper face, that has spawned a fan page on Tumblr, but you wonder who wants to go skateboarding with him now? Roll in this guy’s crew and everyone is going to refer to you as “Dylan’s ugly mate". Word on the fashion street is DKNY are planning a Dylan Pro fit pant, that pushes the boundaries in terms of how far can you cuff your pants before they are shorts.

Skateboards are as ubiquitous as breasts in this clip. This is somewhat ironic due to the fact that when I started skateboarding, you were pretty much guaranteed not to see a pair of human female breasts in real life. I guess a lot of skate kids are now going to be sending their sponsor me tapes to modelling agencies in the hope of seeing some anorexic chick’s boobs.

This designer is pushing the boundaries of deck technology in this clip. In the past we’ve had rip grip and bridge bolts, but are you ready for board studs? These boards look like Hookups board graphic drafts have been kicked through a sex shop. As the designer demonstrates here the best way to achieve the “look" is to mall grab your board to death and wear tiny floral shorts, not too much of a stretch for certain skaters out there.

1588300

https://svpply.com/item/1588300/Products__CHANEL_SkateboardThe only explanation for this is that Chanel saw how well the Palace tee did. Issued the cease and desist, then had a brain wave moment, and decided to start getting their £500-£5000 board brand out there. Boards like this make you wonder what the target market is? No skateboarder in their right mind is buying these, even as “wall hangers". Are people buying these to walk around Fashion week with? If so are the fashion week bouncers lenient with the no boards at the bar rule?

092411 2a

http://www.stopitrightnow.com/2011/09/stop-it-right-now.html Celine have had trouble in combing skateboarding and high fashion before. When they featured a board in one of their ads graffiti artist Kidult sprayed “Sk8" on their flagship store in Paris. This time however they have decided to couple ok board graphics with a line of miniature Dog clothes. If you thought Celine have blown it in the past they are bound to find their way under the feet of skate rats now.